Parenting for the Harvest

When we look into the eyes of our beautiful baby, we don’t often think about what the preteen and teen years will be like. We might think about the hopes and dreams we have for them and what we wish for the future but not necessarily think about the steps required to get us to that point with a strong parent-child relationship.

I think most (if not all) parents can agree that they hope to have a strong relationship with their children into the teen years, to have open lanes of communication, and to be trusted. Then we don’t sleep, we wipe bottoms and clean up spills, we break up fights, and we fall into bed at night exhausted. Often that far off (it seems) relationship with our children as teens is not considered. But parenting is not a sprint; it is a marathon! We could think of the parent-child relationship as a garden: planting in the newness of spring what we hope to harvest later in fall. 

If we carry on with the analogy of gardening, often we are so excited to see the good weather and newness of spring we don’t necessarily think of taking the time to prepare our garden. We just want to enjoy what we have now, or we feel so busy with other spring chores that we don’t consider what we will need come fall. 

We are enjoying babyhood or are so exhausted by toddlers and preschoolers we don’t think about what will be required to have a good parent-child relationship with our teenagers. In most cases, we will not just arrive at the destination we want in regards to a relationship with our teens. That will be forged through the years and years leading up to it: one snuggle, walk, book, cup of tea, giggle, long talk, or adventure at a time. 

God Is Sovereign

It is important to pause here and remember that, ultimately, God is sovereign in the lives of our children and they have free will. Sometimes, parents do everything “right,” and children still choose to walk away. We are not experts, and there is no plan that ensures your child walks the path you wish for them. Above all, we recommend you spend daily time in prayer for your children and your relationship with them, asking God for wisdom and direction as you parent them. It can also be wise to seek advice from Godly role models in your life: those parents who you have seen raise Godly children. 

That being said, here are some ways that you can work on building that connection with your children that will lead to a beautiful parent-child relationship in the teen years. 

Planting Good Seeds With Your Kids

Show Interest in What They Like

This seems simple but as an exhausted parent can be tough to do. Let your child tell you about what they are interested in. Listen with your full attention; put down your phone or your work and look them in the eye while they talk. Show them that their words are important to you. If possible, engage in the things that interest them together. Read books they enjoy with them, let them teach you their favourite sport or game, go fishing, fix cars, whatever it is. 

Establish Tradition

Set the foundation now for traditions you hope to see carry on. A simple one is having dinner around the table together every night. Maybe every night doesn’t work for your family, but 5 nights a week would. Establish that expectation of time together. Meal time is a great time to discuss interests, connect, and even laugh together. 

Traditions can be something that happens daily (like family meals), weekly, monthly, or yearly! In our home, Friday’s are family fun night. We commit that night to each other, no outside plans. We make some “fun” food like pizza and nachos, and we do something together. Sometimes we watch a movie, sometimes we play a board game, sometimes we have a campfire, you name it! Our children look forward to this now, and our hope is that they will still prioritize and look forward to this in their teen years. 

Holiday traditions are also a great way to have that special thing for your family. A special birthday breakfast, opening new pajamas on Christmas Eve, buttering the nose on a birthday, saying something you're thankful for on Thanksgiving, those are all little threads that, over time, stitch together a family culture that draws its members in. 

Be inspired to create new food traditions or share the ones already established in your family with our article, Family Kitchen Time - Sharing Traditions.

Think Before Reacting

As parents, our children are going to tell us things we do not like. It is inevitable. It will be small things when they are little and could grow to be bigger things as we get older. How we react to the small things when they are little can influence whether they want to tell us the bigger things as they get older. 

When your child tells you something upsetting, try to take a deep breath and control your reaction. Sometimes, we assume the worst as parents and that isn’t even what is meant. After your deep breath, ask some questions. “Can you tell me more about that?”, “How did that make you feel?”, “What do you think about that?” are some generic suggestions for further questioning. This gives you a few minutes to collect your thoughts while also allowing them to further explain and maybe clear up a misunderstanding. 

Inevitably, we will react poorly at times as parents. When that happens, we can model asking forgiveness of our children and repairing the parent-child relationship. 

Carve Out Time

Time is precious. It is our most valuable asset and the thing we often feel the most short on. Often, it is also what our younger children (and even our teens) want most from us. Bring a cup of tea into your child’s room at night and read together, ask if they’d like to join you on a walk, snuggle a little extra time when they go to bed or wake up. You know best what will make your child feel special. If possible, schedule one-on-one “dates” with your children. This can be as simple as going out to grab an ice cream cone together or can even be a special overnight getaway for the two of you. Show your child, in your own way, that they are worthy of your time. Any time spent strengthening your bond will only help in the years to come.

Answer Their Questions 

Allowing kids to ask you their questions and trust you to answer them is important. If they are inquisitive about something and you do not want to talk with them, they will find their information (true or false) elsewhere. You are the parent and can judge an age appropriate answer for the situation, but it’s important children know you are a safe space to come to with their questions. This includes their questions and doubts about spiritual matters. It’s important we are willing to listen with an open ear and help direct our children. This is the basis for developing a road of open communication for yourself and your teen. 

Repeated Assurance

Your child cannot hear you say “I love you no matter what” enough. They cannot be too often reassured that you are there for them, want them, and love them with no strings attached, no matter what they do. Hugs and love and words of affirmation must flow freely. Phrases like “I’m on your team” and “I’m here to help you” can be said frequently in your house from the time they are little. Make it your hope and prayer that your teenagers will remember their mom loves them no matter what and is here to help should a situation arise. This is part of what you are planting. Planting these little phrases in the garden of their hearts so they can be rooted and ready when the harvest time comes. 

Pray Without Ceasing

These small actions will not return void in the years to come. Parenting takes some intentionality with building a solid parent-child relationship but that work is immensely worth it. Harvesting that beautiful fruit to enjoy makes all the hard work worthwhile.

If you feel like you’ve done all you can do and you are still in a strained or painful place with your teen, we encourage you to not grow weary in praying for that child. Parents do all we can, but it is God alone who can work in their souls. Pray for your child and also for wisdom for yourself in the relationship.

God, we thank You for our children. We thank You that Your love for them is greater than we could ever imagine. We ask for wisdom and guidance as we strive to build a solid relationship with our children and disciple them in their knowledge and understanding of You. We know You have given us a great responsibility in parenting them, but ultimately You are the author and finisher and You alone can reach their souls. We pray for protection over our children, both physically and mentally. Guide us in our day to day conversations with them, that they may be honouring to You. In Jesus name, Amen.

This article has been written by homeschooling staff writers of The Canadian Schoolhouse (TCS). Enjoy more of our content from TCS contributors and staff writers by visiting our Front Door page that has content on our monthly theme and links to all our content sections.